Day 34. Pigs.

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I was staying at a killer house in Duck, NC about 4 years ago when I saw it for the first time. It was true love. A bright yellow FJ Cruiser. White top. Black trim. Retro looking. Best of all, the yellow was Pittsburgh Steelers yellow. To a tee. When I got home I immediately took my Honda and traded it in. One of the best decisions I've made in the automotive world. But when I bought it and started carting my friends around, one said, "you know, yellow cars get the most tickets." Whatever. I didn't care. It was mine. I call it "The Bee" and it makes me smile every single morning when I get in it, no matter how foul my mood is. 

Prior to getting the Bee, I didn't have very many run-ins with the cops. I ran a red light in high school and had had a couple beers, but luckily the cop was cool. I was on a date when the guy driving got pulled and tested for DUI. The cop made me drive home, but that was the extent of it. And then, I got the Bee. Release the pork!

I don't even know how many points I have left on my license. I was driving my sister to my dad's art show - he handcrafts beautiful Windsor chairs - and of course I got us lost. I have no sense of direction. Never have. Never will. So, in an effort to get there on time I started hauling ass. I was going 78 in a 55. It was too late when I saw the pig on the side of the road with the speed gun, and here comes the cop car and siren. I said to my sister, "please let it be a guy. Puh-leeeeze let it be a guy."

I pull over, look in the rearview mirror and not who - but what gets out of the car? A friggin' woman. Red hair. Bright red fingernails. 100% trailer trash (sorry, it's true). She wasn't even a real cop, she was a Sheriff. HAHAHAH. I guess she was real enough to give me a ticket, though. I tried everything to get out of it, telling her we were going to miss my dad's art show, apologizing, telling her I was lost. She didn't give two shits. I was slapped with a $250 fine and I just mailed in a check. Otherwise I would have had to drive all the way back down there to go to Deliverance court. No thanks. 

I was on my way home from work one night and came to a three-way stop sign. I stopped, got a little confused, then took a left. Woop woop woop woop, went the siren. I pull over. Cop with serious attitude comes to my window. 

"You just cut me off back there, ma'am. License and registration."

"Wait a second, let me get this straight - you're pulling me over because it was your TURN!?"

"Yes, that's right. I also need to see your insurance card."

"I don't have my insurance card. Who the hell carries that?"

"You do know it's a $500 fine to not have it in the car, don't you?"

I was losing my patience. There was also another cop leaning into my passenger window, which was totally obnoxious. 

"If I did, don't you think I'd have it on me? Whatever. I want to get home, so hurry up and give me the ticket you're going to give me anyway." (Asshole)

"Stay right here. I'm going to run your information."

Yeah, like where else am I going to go? Not like you can take off on a crowded city street in rush hour traffic. Tool. 

Guy comes back. Hands me the ticket. $150. I say, "thanks for nothing" and drive off.

Normally I don't have that kind of attitude towards officers of the law (a term that should be used loosely with most of them), but this particular day I'd had it. I got a ticket because of some guy having a small penis. He probably got abused in high school - made fun of, never got girls, was just a dork for his entire life and is now taking it out on all of humanity. 

I paid that ticket, too. Who has time to go to court? 

I was driving up to a stoplight and needed to take a left. No one was coming, so I started to turn. Suddenly, a pig comes flying down the street way too fast and out of nowhere, so I step on the gas and make the left to get out of his way. Woop woop woop woop, sounds the siren. "Dammit!! Not again!!" And the worst thing was, I had to pee like a Russian racehorse. Was I going to have to just go right there in the Bee? Horrifying! 

He comes up to the window. 

"Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?"

"Um, no - to say hello?"

"License and registration, please. You cut me off back there. It was my turn to go." 

Seriously!? Was this the same guy in disguise? No. Just another pathetic loser that had to ticket me to feel better. 

Just then, one of my friends says, "hey, are you still there?" on my Iphone speakerphone. Which was in my hand down by the parking brake.

"Oh, and you're on the phone too, huh? You know that's against the law in DC."

"No it's not, since when?"

"It's been in effect now for about a year, ma'am."

"Whatever. Look, I need to pee. Can you just write up the ticket while I run in that Indian restaurant? Otherwise I'm going to pee the Bee and that's not going to happen."

"Oh, sure, OK." And he looked kind of funny and uncomfortable. 

I got back and he handed me a ticket for $100. "You can take this to court and win since this is your first offense, you know."

"If I can win, then why are you giving me the ticket in the first place? I don't have time for that crap, and I don't have any more time to talk to you. I have to get to work. Is that all?"

And I was on my less-than-merry way. Who do these guys think they are? We have to drive 25 miles an hour, which is totally ridiculous, and they haul ass going at least 50. Get on the highway and they'll pull you for going over 55, but they can go 90 whenever they want. Not all of them are crooked, but in my opinion I think the majority of them are. You know they get huge boners busting people for traffic violations. 

Oh, get this. Yesterday I'm driving to work and there's a pig in front of me. I'm dancing behind the wheel, trying to improve my mood with some hip hop, when I see that my inspection sticker is expired. September 02, 2010. Jesus Pete! I was going to tear off to the right and make a run for it, but I was at a red light, so if I went around him he'd pull me and say it was "his turn." So I just sat there. Sitting duck. But this time, I got away with it. He eventually turned off without realizing the Bee was expired. 

And you know what else pisses me off? Speed cameras. One day I went to get paint at Benjamin Moore and about 10 days later I got a couple pieces of mail from the DMV. I got busted by a speed trap camera on my way there AND on the way home. Same camera. There's my picture, the back of my head, hauling ass to get some Pistachio Mint eggshell paint. I paid both of those tickets without contest, too. 

You might say, "you have no one to blame but yourself for driving that way in the first place." Maybe so, but I drive decisively. Knock on wood, but I've never had an accident. I may be aggressive, but I act fast and stay away from weirdos on the road. 

Cops should focus on unsolved murders. Rapes. Burglaries. Assaults. Kidnappings. Missing children. Domestic abuse. Drug abuse. Instead, they're all busying themselves ticketing me for cutting them off. No wonder things are so screwed up.

I have to go to the grocery store. Hopefully I can make it there and back without getting busted.