Day 32. Sadistic Tooth Fairy.

The way I see it, you're either blessed with good teeth or cursed with really shitty ones. I got the latter and am choosing today to be really pissed off about it. In fact, I'm going to officially recognize September 14th as BOGUS BICUSPID day. And not just this year. Every year for the rest of my life I'm going to take one day to say F YOU, TEETH! You take all my money. You cause me pain. You suck!!!

Okay, so my teeth plight isn't just bad luck. It's coupled with some funky health issues I have that cause me to be extremely susceptible to cavities.

Let's start at the beginning. Of course I was living in England at the time. 6th grade. Went to the dentist on base who, after an examination, exclaimed, "you have thirty-something cavities!!"

He was referring to different surfaces of my teeth, but so what? He said thirty something. Was that even possible? What the hell was he talking about? I thought it must be some kind of a joke, but turns out it wasn't.

Then, he said, "so, you grind your teeth, too, eh? You're wearing them down to the point where they'll be nubs soon. What's going on at home? Are you having problems with your parents?" He even insinuated my dad was touching me inappropriately and that I needed a psychiatrist. Asshole.

I wish my parents had pulled me out of there permanently after that experience, but dental work was free on base, so I don't blame them for making me go back. That stupid office filled all those cavities but I was only numb for maybe 20% of the time. Those guys couldn't numb a nerve to save their pathetic, untrained lives and I was their guinea pig. Who even knows if I really had that many cavities? Maybe they just needed someone to experiment on? Like a human cadaver but alive... Sick.

After that I didn't have many tooth surfaces left, so I was okay until I graduated from college. One day I was chewing a piece of Trident gum and WHAM! A pain so intense it knocked the wind out of me shot up through one of my teeth. Because I seem to enjoy torturing myself, I did it again, just to make sure what I felt the first time was real. 

Hello, root canal # 1. 

And from there things just took off. My dentist drilled out all my old fillings and most were so deep I had to have root canal after root canal after root canal. Then crown upon crown upon crown. I figure it's about $2500-$3000 per tooth, so you do the math. It's a miracle I haven't had to move back in with my parents.

One of my root canals got infected so I had to have my gums cut open and scraped. Yeah, I know - I'm gagging too. It was freakin' sick. So gross I was crying, but no one knew since I don't have tears. It can be an advantage to be a medical mystery, I'm telling you.

About a year ago I noticed my gums receding on one of my bottom teeth. Go to the gum guy and get one of the most disgusting procedures done. Ever. He took 'material' from the roof of my mouth and sewed it onto the receding gum. Then covered it with this putty that tasted just like throw up (I'm serious) and I walked out of there in tears. Luckily, I pulled out some of the stitches by accident and had to go through the whole process again. Like I said, I like to torture myself. Was the first surgery real or did I have to go through it a second time to be 100% sure? At a few thousand dollars a pop I should have believed the first one.

Post surgery I had to get a retainer for $800 and a mouth guard for another $800. "Jesus Pete," was all I could say.

A few months ago I noticed a twinge in one of my few teeth that still has a nerve. Cold. Heat. Pressure. Biting. Sweets. You name it and it made it hurt. This morning I went to my root canal guy, who's actually pretty hot so it makes the whole thing slightly less painful. UNTIL HE PUT ICE ON MY TOOTH. I'm not kidding. I shot through the roof and my tooth throbbed until he shot me up with novocaine. Seems I have a cavity under my crown that grew and infected the nerve in my tooth. Funny how my dentist missed it at my last teeth cleaning, huh? They're all probably in cahoots with one another.

He got to the nerve and suddenly I could feel it. SO HE PUT A NEEDLE FILLED WITH NOVOCAINE DIRECTLY INTO THE NERVE OF MY TOOTH. I was shaking all over. I should mention, though, that this guy has done all my root canals. He's awesome. It's just the nature of the beast having an infected tooth, I guess. Anyway. The rest of the procedure went off without a hitch and then I left his office. $1700 poorer. The prices went up. That's for one tooth with one nerve.

I got out of there and headed for the office, my mind wandering in all directions. Seems everything has reached maximum capacity in my brain because I started to cry walking down the street. Good thing I had my shades on because at one point I was really boo-hooing. It's pointless to list everything - what do you care? People expect me to be happy, happy, happy all the time, but that's completely unrealistic. I deserve to have a bad day now and again. Screw you if you don't like it.

The only thing I want right now is a hug from my mom and dad. And they're coming on Friday. Two days with them and the world will once again be all right. Back on the funny track tomorrow.