Day 31. World's Worst Roommate.

Okay, I know I said I was going to write about cigarettes and volcanoes, but I changed my mind because I remembered a story that's much more psychotic. 


First, a confession. I may lose many of you that actually read this thing, but it's a chance I'm willing to take. 


I vote Republican. I wouldn't say that I'm 100% right leaning, but I'm surely not leaning any more than 50% left. I see things from both sides and let people speak their minds a lot more than they let me speak mine. You're probably wondering why I'm telling you this. It has to do with my roommate in 1992.


A month after I graduated college, I got my first job, but I didn't have a place to stay so some friends of my parents were generous enough to let me stay with them for a couple months. Then, I met a girl at work who seemed sane enough to share some space with. At least that's what I thought at the time. 


We got a 2 bedroom garden style apartment. It was pretty cute, but pretty small. At the time, Clinton was running for President and I was less than thrilled. One night he was yammering on on TV and I made a rude comment.


"What an asshole," I probably said. 


To which my roommate responded, "have some pride in your vagina!"


But she didn't pronounce it like it's spelled or how most normal people say it - VUH JYE NUH.


She said VER JYE NER.


Um, yeah. 


So I yelled back, "if you had any pride in yours you'd learn how to say it properly! It's VUH JYE NUH. NOT VER JYE NER!!"


Then she started coming at me. Her face was purple she was so pissed. I think she was screaming, "I'm gonna fucking kill you!!!" So I bolted to my room and slammed and locked the door. She beat it and kicked it until the whole apartment was vibrating. She was a raging lunatic ... and what the hell do vaginas have to do with Bill Clinton? 


HAHHAHAHA I guess we all found out, didn't we? He sure took care of business in the Oral Office. Oops. Oval. 


Anyway. I let that bitch calm down for a good long time before I came out of my room. Then I announced I'd be moving out as I made a bag of red beans and rice. 


That was the last roommate I ever had. When I got away from that crazy lady, I moved into a studio apartment on the ground floor of a humongous apartment complex. It was gross. It had roaches. It always smelled of some kind of exotic food mixture that resembled barf. The fire alarms went off all the time. My landlord was a pervert who stole my security deposit. My bed was in the closet. It was concrete hell. I was thrilled to get out of there, even though the next place is where I encountered The Rapist. After that I moved to a great one bedroom in a hip, safe part of town. Then I bought my first place. Another good story.